Take a look at the below list of Top 10 Cheesiest Love Songs Ever until 2017. What is the difference between a great love song and a cheesy long song? Some might suggest time. Given enough time, even the greatest love song has the potential to become cheesy. Of course, it might if we had a hardcore determiner at work here. What, exactly, qualifies as cheesy? What does cheesy even mean? For most, cheesy means just too much…sticky, gooey qualities that are simply superfluous.
For others, cheesy something more tangible: it stinks! Whatever your own personal qualifications of the definition of the word, herewith is the only comprehensive and objective list of the top 10 cheesiest love songs ever until 2017. If you argue with even one you deserve to spend eternity listening to a constantly playing loop of them all!
List of Top 10 Cheesiest Love Songs Ever until 2017
10. Truly, Madly Deeply: Savage Garden
Lots of problems. LOTS. In the first place, this band is neither particularly savage nor gardenesque. In the second place, they stole the title from a much better piece of entertainment made by far more talented people. Third, the guys in this band are just plain creepy. And, finally, fourth: man this song stinks! In fact, one could very well make a fine argument that that Savage Garden’s “Truly, Madly, Deeply” is exactly the song that gives “cheesy” its definition of being smelly.
9. Achy Breaky Heart: Billy Ray Cyrus
The only reason that “Achy Breaky Heart” does not rank higher on the list of the cheesiest love songs of all time is that there appears to be some debate over whether it even qualifies as a love song. Yes, it does have heart in the title, but nobody on earth seems capable of remembering any other lyrics than “Don’t break my heart, my achy breaky heart” and, well, should not a love song have something to offer besides one single line that worms its way into your brain like a Nazi soldier worming his way into the Trump campaign?
8. As Long as You Love Me: Backstreet Boys
There is cheesy. And then there is double cheesy with no sauce and—oh yes..extra cheese. Of course, it goes without saying that putting a Backstreet Boys song on the list of a cheesiest love songs of all time is cheating. After all, this is entire musical act whose entire output is so cheesy that if you placed all the Backstreet Songs on the floor in cheesy form, it would take the average person six weeks to traverse two yards. Still, few songs are as capable of inducing vomiting like “As Long as You Love Me” so, well, it just plain deserves to be here. Probably higher, in fact.
7. White Dress: Kanye West
“Everybody lying on who I bang
We was on fire but they blew our flame
Ain’t no denying baby you have changed
Cause now your high heels clicking, your lip gloss glisten.”
Analysis not required. And—get this—THOSE are the lyrical highlights. Why is this not topping the list of the cheesiest love songs ever? Because, in truth, it barely even qualifies as rap…much less an actual song. This is one of Top 10 Cheesiest Love Songs Ever until 2017.
6. I Wanna Kiss You All Over: Exile
Admittedly, this execrable piece of excrement from the 1970s has not managed to withstand the test of time. So let’s just say that Exile holds the title of the cheesiest one hit wonder love song of all time. Truly, if you have managed to have the luck of never hearing this song, get down on your knees and pray because you have been proof of the miracle that God actually exists and is looking out for you.
5. I was Made for Lovin’ You: KISS
There are some who will say that the career of KISS came to a crashing end with the cheesy disco love anthem “I was Made for Lovin’ You.” In fact, all this truly horrifically bad song really did was point out just what an utterly phenomenon the entire KISS story had been up to this point. What really make this such a cheesy love song is that—aside from “Beth” of course—it is actually the BEST love song KISS ever produced. Unlike “Beth,” however, history has proven that attempting to listen to this song twice results in a living state roughly equivalent with being a zombie.
4. Every Rose Has Its Thorn: Poison
The opposite, however, it not true: not every thorn has its rose. Proof: Poison’s entire career. Here is a…band, for lack of a better word…that is a thorn in the side of the entire music industry. Look far and wide and high and low for a rose among all those thorns and all you will have left is a bunch of itchy body parts. Can it be fairly stated that Poison’s most famous contribution to the long, long….loooooooong…line of power ballads that make you want to commit suicide is any worse than any other? No. But you have to pick something.
3. My Heart Will Go On: Celine Dion
A much more appropriate title would be my sadistic torture will go on. In what can only be termed the most perfect matching of disaster to movie to song, Celine Dion turns in an overlong and overly disastrous song as the theme to an overlong and overly disastrous movie about an overlong and overly disastrous sinking. It would be bad enough to be a Titanic survivor forced to slog through James Cameron’s utterly misguided success in stripping every single ounce of drama from the most dramatic sea story ever. Now add having to listen to this enormous vat of French gouda to the displeasure.
2. More than Words: Extreme
It would take more than words to convey just excruciatingly painful it is to hear this song. Those who were around back when MTV actually played music videos will be among the first to tell you that at the first sight of this video a mad scramble would being to find the remote control for the express purpose of changing the channel before the song could get into full gear. What divides a merely awful love song from a cheesy long so gooey in its awfulness that its mere presence has the effect of degrading humanity just a little? Listen to “More Than Words” and you will never need to ask that question again.
1. Open Arms: Journey
Journey killed rock and roll. If you do not believe that statement, simply do the research. The rise of Journey to superstardom coincides with the hostage-taking situation of hip-hop holding rock and roll hostage. Thanks to Journey, in other words, the music of the 21st century is dominated by “artists” like Kanye West. So, yeah, Journey killed rock and roll. And it was songs like “Open Arms” that did it. Anyone capable of listening to this cheesy love song, much less turning up the volume—much less making it “their song” is directed to head straight to the nearly physician and get their hearing checked. Clearly something very dangerous is going on there.
The truth is that there is no possible end to the debate over whch are the cheesiest love songs of all time until 2017. Some would suggest that any love song from Guns ‘n’ Roses would be more at home on this list than any song that is actually found here. And they would be right. The problem is that that they would also be wrong. After all, how do make room for craptacular treacle like “Sweet Child ‘O Mine” without making room for, well, anything by Bryan Adams, Boyz II Men or John Mayer. And can anyone really argue that a list of the cheesiest love songs ever could not be made up entirely of country songs or rap…songs? Cheesy does it is the best approach to take when listening to stuff like this. Just remember that love is blind and that goes for not being able to see that your heart is being manipulated by absolutely atrocious songwriting.